an apology to all the people.

First of all, I feel like I need to start this post off by saying:

I realize that I probably don’t NEED to apologize for any of the following that I’m going to say. But I’m going to because it’s the best and easiest way that I can somewhat formulate into words how I am feeling these days.

When I see people as I’m out and about, everyone always asks, “how are you feeling?”. It’s a valid question. I ask it all the time to my pregnant friends too. It’s not a question that I mind, but I just don’t really know how to answer it. I usually say, “I feel pretty great most of the time”, which isn’t a lie, but isn’t totally the truth either.

See, I have very, VERY easy pregnancies. I never throw up, I have minimal back pain (thanks to my amazing chiropractor), I am not terribly uncomfortable and I’m only craving iced cold H20 from Starbucks. Which means, I am almost 6 months pregnant and I have only gained FIVE POUNDS. I don’t eat any more than I did before I was pregnant, and THAT I am super thankful for. So over all, it’s been easy, effortless and should be a time where I’m feeling oh so wonderful and beautiful and glowing and loving every minute of this.

But I don’t.

What I DO love is this little baby girl growing inside me and I can’t wait to meet her. For her, ALL of this is worth it and I would do it all again in a split second. I always feel connected to my children when I’m pregnant in such a way that is indescribable. Maybe it’s because we name them right away and talk about them as if they’re already here. Maybe it’s because I’m just so, SO excited to meet her and it feels like whether she would have been a boy or a girl, like a little someone is missing from our home. And I can’t wait to hear the pitter patter of her little feet on our floor. I. Can’t. Wait.

So WHAT’S WRONG JESS GET TO THE POINT.

The problem is, I feel like I’m having an absolute out of body experience every single day, all day, sun up to sun down, and all the moments in between.

What?

My hormones make me feel like I’m some complete different person. And I’m not a fan of this alter ego that has entered my home. HA. I can’t get a handle on the emotions, the hormones, the mood swings, the irritability. I’m not generally a super irritable person, but right now, even stupid things irritate me. And they either make me mad, or make me cry. And when I say cry, I mean HERE COME THE WATER WORKS FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS SOLID SO WATCH OUT. It’s sort of miserable.

Logically in my head, I know that said ‘thing’ that is happening would never make me grumpy, irritable, sad (you pick your own emotion here) but the truth is, it IS making me feel that way in the moment. And I can’t escape it, it’s hard to change it, and it’s miserable to feel like you’re living in someone else’s body. As if someone has taken over Jessica and I am patiently waiting for her to return. Which won’t be until February and that feels like forever away.

So as the minutes tick by, I just would like to say I’M SORRY. I’m sorry for the grumpiness, or the tears, or the irritable mood or the immense puddle of sadness you find me in whenever you may see me. I realize I’m crazy right now. And I also am trying to do everything I can to try to create some stability in my moods. IT’S HARD.

Jason has been a serious rockstar for me through all of this. He just rolls with it, helps me with everything, and listens to the ludicrous things that come out of my mouth and tells me often, ‘Jess, none of that is truth.’ He brings me back to earth when I’m skyrocket in the sky with my emotions these days. There’s not a day that goes by that I’m NOT thankful for that man, and that I’M the one who snagged him up.

So when I run into you in the next few months, don’t be wary of what Jess you’re going to get. I’m not sure of that either. Just hug me and tell me about YOU. I don’t need a pity party or a shoulder to cry on. Trust me, I’ll come find YOU if I should need that. Just be encouraged that the old Jess WILL return and that my hormones WILL subside and I WILL feel better once this is all said and done.

But please don’t tell me that I look pregnant, or hey! there’s a baby in there!, or tell me stories about what your cousin craved during her pregnancy. Unless you are pregnant yourself. Being pregnant is hard, even if you have the easiest pregnancy. And although these three children are the biggest blessings that have been bestowed upon us in our entire lifetime, getting them here safe and sound isn’t always a piece of cake.

And it feels lonely sometimes. Which is weird, but it’s true.

Just give me a hug and know that I am totally aware of my emotions and I’m TRYING to keep them under control. Does anyone have any tips with pregnant hormones specifically? Please comment and leave me your advice. And if you’ve never been pregnant and don’t know what to do or say, a Venti Starbucks water and a single cake pop will do the trick. HA.

Stellar Day Blog, Pregnancy, Being Mom*This awesome photo was taken by Angie Sloan with Sloan Photographers. To see all of our family photos that she did for us, check out the link HERE.

 

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5 thoughts on “an apology to all the people.

  1. I always got that way postpartum – I knew what I was feeling, thinking and saying was unwarranted, and yet I couldn’t help but feel it and I couldn’t get out of it. Try to keep breathing, it WILL pass. And I’m sorry you’re feeling that way – it’s miserable. Totally worth it but so miserable 😦

  2. I love your family pics! Just beautiful. And I’m so excited to see what combination of you and Jason God came up with this time in little Miss Bravery 😉 xo

  3. I know. I totally know. And YOU know that my second pregnancy was the most emotionally difficult time of my entire life. And then Caelynn arrived and EVERYTHING changed 100% for the better. I will pray for the same for you, my sweet friend 🙂 It WILL get better, that much I can promise. Bravery is amazing and as you know so very worth all of this craziness. Love you! And call me when you need a Tejas Trio. Seriously, I’ll be there in a heartbeat. With extra *$ water. xoxo

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